The naming process is such a tricky subject, and everyone has an opinion. We naturally relate names to things we love, hate and everything in between. As if it’s not a big enough responsibility to grow and carry your baby for 10 months – everyone lies and says 9 months but it’s defo 10 – we then have to have the huge task of choosing a name. As I find myself getting lost in the dark spiral that is baby forums on Google searching for inspiration, I have been flooded by memories hidden in my darkest psyche, mortal enemies I made on the school playground over a packet of space raiders hit me hard, just by the mere suggestion of a name.

Gone are the days you named your baby after your mum, long lost aunt or beloved family pet (delete as appropriate). There is now a phenomenon that I have been made aware of in Mummy circles which is spreading like a nit outbreak in a nursery – Name shaming. Name shaming is alive and well. As I become more obviously preggo, one of the first questions I found myself being asked almost on a daily basis is “have you got your name?”.

For the record haven’t got my name and when I tell people this I am met with “really? Not one, bet you just don’t want people to steal it.” I mean, there could be some truth in in this. But more importantly, I have narrowed down the list, but I am going to wait to I see her and see what suits her. 

I think the name dilemma is also partly due to the fact I am so attached to my own name with various versions of my surname developing over the years. I have been known to answer to the following Butts, Butterz and Buttface (chic, I know). When I got married exactly a year to the date that my maternity leave starts (a producer through and through!), I decided to keep my maiden name for work. I have a fear (probs irrational tbh) that if I change my surname that people will not know who is emailing them or I might get that dreaded response “oh it went in to my junk mail” (sure Susan, sure). 

I have contemplated lots of things about my daughter – will she be born with hair? Will she look like me? Will she sleep? Pleaseeeeee sleep. Will she have my love for trash TV? Hopefully she inherits my love of leopard print! One thing I know for sure is inheriting is a surname that she will forever have to spell out to people. Once we have the baby, I’m going to change my surname for everything but work. I married a man (a lovely man for the record) who has “one of those surnames” you know the one the ones you mumble over if you have to say out loud because your unsure of how it is actually pronounced.  Let’s not even get on to the spelling of it. It genuinely took me around a year to learn to spell it, I am pretty sure that most of my immediate family still cannot spell it.

I am no stranger to names that people struggle with, my Mum’s name is as Irish as a leprechaun drinking Guinness Siobhan-Magdalen-Brigette, yep not one but three names. Throughout my childhood I would answer the house phone (old school) to cold callers trying tackle the tongue twister that’s the silent B in Siobhan. “Hi, is Siobwwwwwwhan there?”.

With this in mind I have looked at various different ways of navigating this precarious name game:

Find your theme

Do you find your theme and stick to it à la the Kris Jenner/Kardashian clan? The pool of names you have to pick from shrinks dramatically, thus surely making your decision easier?

I like to think of my Gran as an early adopter of this, she had 5 kids and decided to have a Y in each of their rhyming names (q. diff. for the times). Big up my dad Martyn with a Y.

Traditional

It’s become pretty much tradition in the British press that in weeks the running up to a new Royal Baby the pages will be filled with speculation on the name. With the imminent arrival here are the bookies top predictions for Meghan and Harry’s baby’s name:

– Diana

– Alice

– Arthur

– Victoria

However, Meghan has shown she is not afraid to step away from the traditional royal life. I for one was living for the NYC baby shower – who doesn’t want to fly on a private jet and be waited on hand and foot when 8 months preggo? So maybe they will surprise us all and go for a wild card. My money is on Zoro.

The wild card

“No one wants the same name as everyone” this sentiment is echoed through and through as I chat through the name shame phenomenon with friends. The growing trend is to go for something “unusual”. At the same time no one wants their child’s name to be greeted with a reaction of “oh that’s different, how is that spelt?”.

I like to put the blame on Gwyneth for this trend with her daughter Apple, she has since said that Chris Martin picked the name. I for one am not sure he is to blame for the fruity name and quite often like to remind myself of ridiculous statements Gwyneth has made. I will leave you with this Gwyneth gem:

On her children’s nanny

“She’s French, so she’s teaching them French, and their previous nanny was Spanish, so they’re fluent in Spanish.”